Carolyn Hax: Husband sets super-early alarm that wakes up only his spouse

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My husband sets his alarm for 5:15 a.m. He doesn’t have any intention of getting out of bed until 6:30. I intend on waking up for work between 6 and 6:15. I set my alarm for the time I want to get out of bed.

His pre-alarm interrupts my sleep by 45 minutes every workday. He doesn’t hear his alarm, and it runs and runs until I kick him, in hopes of catching that last wave of sleep. He refuses to make adjustments, saying he needs the extra-long alarm to gradually wake up. I think he’s being very rude and inconsiderate. I also don’t think that I should have to wear earplugs, as other people have suggested, because I don’t want to risk missing my alarm.

May I also add that he’s a very loud snorer and he has begun wearing a mouthpiece in the past year that helps with that.

However, I get the impression that my complaining about the alarm, after complaining for years and years of earthshaking snoring, adds to his resistance to remedying the situation. I’m on the verge of moving to a different bedroom, and he says this is a ridiculous thing for me to do because it is one step closer to divorce. I’m at a loss here.

— Interrupted

Interrupted: Not getting enough rest is one step closer to divorce. Resenting him every night for your interrupted sleep is one step closer to divorce. Resenting his needlessly early alarm is one step closer to divorce. Watching him choose to stick to his way of doing things when he knows it causes you daily and significant discomfort is one step closer to divorce. Divorce-step counter: husband 4, you 0.

Using separate bedrooms so you can both sleep and wake up on your own terms to get your own needs met is one step closer to liking each other the way you used to.

Lumping separate rooms and divorce is prejudicial and detail-blind; a sleeping arrangement is about sleep. The marriage is about the marriage. Show him this if it will help extract his head from his pillow.

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Readers’ thoughts:

· I couldn’t agree with Carolyn more! My husband has some health issues that cause him to snore terribly and wake up super early and repeatedly during the night. I stay up later than he does and wake easily. We now sleep in separate bedrooms, and, yes, we have two kids at home. They know the reasons and that we’re in a loving relationship — we simply can’t sleep in the same room for all these reasons. My lovely in-laws also do this and wax poetic about it! #normalizeseparaterooms

· Let’s normalize couples, married or not, sleeping in separate bedrooms, routinely or as needed! I could say a lot more, but I’ll leave it at that.

· Right up front, sleeping separately is exactly the right thing to do. But, a sleeping arrangement is about sleep? Yes and no. I’m a tactile person, and having my husband next to me, and being able to snuggle with him, makes intimacy easier. I know this because I don’t have it with my husband but I had it with prior boyfriends. Sometimes my husband sleeps with me, sometimes he doesn’t. He doesn’t ever spoon or snuggle in bed at night — and wants to have distance from me.

He sleeps better that way, and that’s primary; it never should be otherwise. But it does mean that I’ve had to learn to adjust and to work harder at intimacy.