‘Unless parents are pushing the issue, it can fizzle out’: what to do if your child is bullied at school
On Monday evening, a 12-year-old Sydney child took her own life.
Although we will never know the specifics or complexity of Charlotte O’Brien’s situation (in a statement to a Sydney radio show, her family alleged she experienced two years of bullying at her private high school; the school’s principal Paulina Skerman said the allegations are “new claims to the College and … not consistent” with school records), her untimely death has highlighted the often-fraught issues of making and handling bullying complaints.
A 2016 report, led by University of South Australia adjunct professor Ken Rigby, found that 15% of students between years 5 and 10 reported they were currently the subject of bullying at school. Earlier this year, the eSafety commissioner reported a 40% increase in child cyberbullying complaints, to just under 2,400. With such prevalence, it leads parents to want to know what kinds of processes there are for making a complaint, how should they approach it and how can they be sure their child’s school is dealing with it properly?
According to Dr Rachael Murrihy, clinical psychologist and director of the Kidman Centre in the Faculty of Science at University Technology Sydney, “individual schools should determine the process and procedures” of bullying allegations and communicate these clearly to students and parents. These school procedures, she says, should provide clear direction for approaching the school and what parents can do if they don’t think the school’s response has been satisfactory.
Parents should talk to and observe their child before making a complaint to ascertain what’s going on and to help them detail information to the school. Murrihy says there isn’t a threshold for reporting something to school per se, but says the “frequency and intensity” of your child’s emotions are often a good indication as to whether they’re experiencing a schoolyard tiff or something more serious.
“Are there any changes in your child’s normal baseline?” she asks. “Are they more irritable than usual, have they withdrawn from usual activities? Are they down on themselves and feeling worthless, are they sleeping poorly or won’t get out of bed? Changes in eating? Refusing to go to school?”
She advises parents and schools to heed even low-level forms of bullying, which can still be detrimental on young and developing adolescent minds.
“I would suggest that every bullying complaint that is brought by a parent to a school [be] treated as serious regardless of whether it is being physically hit or whether someone is being excluded from a social group,” she says. “We can’t know a student’s background vulnerabilities, nor can we always know how long the bullying has been going on for. This has been one of the issues: that some types of bullying, like the indirect bullying experienced by girls, which involves spreading rumours and being excluded, have sometimes been treated as though they are less damaging.”
If parents wish to proceed with a complaint, then they should do it in writing, detailing the issue and asking for a meeting, says Murrihy.
“[Prepare] for the meeting and provide concrete details as to exactly what is happening,” she explains. “The school will need clear details so that they can determine what needs to be done. At the end of the meeting, hopefully the school will be clear on the next steps. If not, the parent needs to ask what the next steps are and set a date for another meeting [this should ideally be with same school representatives] to receive a progress report.”
‘Push it’
Sydney high school teacher Giselle* says it helps to know where the bullying is occurring, as this tends to dictate whom parents should complaint to.
“If it’s a classroom issue, then the classroom teacher [is the] first point of call,” she explains. “If it’s happening everywhere, it should be the year advisor. Then, if things aren’t resolved satisfactorily, it can be escalated to the deputy level.”
Giselle says it helps to be specific: outline the context of the bullying, such as what it is, how frequent it is happening and the names of the students involved.
“Centre the child,” she says. “[Discuss] how it is impacting them and their safety and wellbeing at school.” Different states have special reporting mechanisms for racially motivated bullying, and these should be used, she says.
The response of the school, she says, should be in line with the “severity of the actions” and frequency of occurrence, but she advises parents not to be afraid to “push it” if they have to.
“Go through the ‘chain of command’ and when that’s been exhausted, head to the principal,” Giselle she says. “I see students get frustrated [because] they feel like nothing can be done. My perspective as a classroom teacher is that it’s really about the parent being clear about a reasonable resolution, one that the school should deliver if it’s in line with department policy. Students will come to me with complaints, but unless parents are there pushing the issue, it can fizzle out.”
Still, not all the aspects of a complaint or allegation will be clear-cut. In some instances, a child is afraid to report it, with students “scared to tell the school and parents for fear of being labelled a snitch” or “making it worse and being victimised by the bullying individual or group”. In this situation, the onus is on the school to manage these considerations as part of their policy.
In others, the lack of information about what happens with the bully is also an issue.
But Murrihy says parents should not expect the outcome to be about the bully, which could be a breach of privacy.
“Schools may communicate that they will have a meeting to talk to the bully in question or they may set up a mediation of sorts between all parties,” she says. “Ultimately, the only way parents can be sure it’s being dealt with is by how well the school is communicating with you or what is actually happening with the bullying. This is one reason why this is so complicated. Schools must protect the rights and privacies of both parties, but unfortunately if a child is traumatised by bullying, this process of being kept in the dark and not knowing what has transpired can be stressful and upsetting because of the perceived lack of justice.”
Murrihy says a victim-centred approach should be utilised by schools when dealing with students who have experienced trauma through bullying.
“It does not help to teach the bullied student how to bat comments away or to stick up for themselves,” she says. “This evidence-based approach prioritises the needs, rights and wellbeing of victims, ensuring their safety, dignity and autonomy throughout the process. [It] is about changing the system not the child being bullied.”
Rigby says: “Schools can do much more in dealing with actual cases of bullying by choosing and implementing appropriate intervention methods, depending on the case.” He says the use of sanctions and non-physical punishment can be justified, but says mediational methods, such as the use of restorative practice, the support group method and the method of shared concern are often more effective at dealing with bullying.
“These methods seek to motivate and enable those who bully, often with group support, to gain greater satisfaction and self-esteem by engaging in positive social action, as in helping those who are hurt and troubled,” he explains. “One possible solution is to help the victimised students acquire effective social and coping skills, and in some – but not all cases – this can be done.”
Sometimes schools will have to determine whether a higher level of intervention is needed – even police intervention, but formal investigations can be lengthy. Murrihy says some investigations can run as long as four to six months, which can feel like something adolescents “can’t survive” because they may “lack the life experience to contextualise such hardships”.
Matt*, who has worked in the public and Catholic school system as a year coordinator and assistant principal, says this is why parental support is integral both within and outside the complaints process.
“Parents need to create an open and supportive environment which [ensures] their child feels safe enough to share their experience,” he says. “I’d ask them to listen actively, validate their child’s feelings, and reassure them that it’s not their fault. I always encourage [them] to schedule regular meetings with the teacher to discuss their child’s experiences and collaborate on strategies to address the bullying effectively.”
Matt advises parents to make sure they’re aware of support structures at the school, whether that’s the classroom teacher, librarian or other safe space.
“I have to make sure the parent is aware that we’re doing everything we can do address the issue [but] the reality is you can’t get rid of bullying entirely. To truly stop bullying, it is essential for parents and caregivers to recognise the pivotal role they play in shaping their children’s behaviour and attitudes towards others.”
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