I ACCIDENTALLY FELL for someone who lives on the opposite end of the country.
That’s not a hyperbole. I can see the East River from my NYC living-room-flex-bedroom, and he lives in the high desert just east of LA. We’re only a few miles short of being perfectly bi-coastal.
You know the drill: a chance meeting on a work trip to San Diego leads to a multi-hour conversation. That conversation bleeds from one day into the next. And, the next. And, the next. It all compounds into me hiding my tears behind a copy of Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow on the plane home. Hours worth of phone calls fill the subsequent months (and, mind you, that time difference is a bitch), before meeting in the middle for a week-long finale of Coloradan adventures.
As great as our whirlwind romance was, it didn’t end the way either of us wanted it to. In my 28 years of life, this was the deepest, most instant connection I’ve felt with anyone, ever. But, one thing was immensely clear to both of us—we’re not long distance people.
And, I kinda like my life in the big city, and the job that brought me here. While I had strong feelings for this guy, I certainly wasn’t going to sacrifice the life I’ve built after a handful of months of long-distance dating, regardless of whether or not it was “love.”
Before you hit me with, “But! Are you sure! You never know what could happen if you just worked at it!”—yes, I am painfully sure. I’ve thought this through, and settled here for multiple reasons. I am completely comfortable in the decision to leave that relationship in the limbo of ‘what could have been’.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t stopped thinking about it, though. I’m happy with my decision to end things—so, why can’t I just let it go?
It’s not an original story: finding your perfect person but one (very major) detail keeps you apart. I’ve broken up with people in the past because they didn’t want kids and I do. I’ve had friends break up with partners they loved because they didn’t want to disrespect their family religion.
How do you get over the ‘perfect’ relationship?
I asked the experts (because heaven knows I needed to).
How is a breakup like this different?
THERE’S A GENERAL timeline most breakups undergo, says Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., relationship expert and psychology professor at California State University.
Step one, contemplate: “People on the verge of initiating a break-up undergo a silent cost-benefit analysis of the relationship,” Walsh explains. With that analysis comes step two: confirmation. This part usually comes with some help from friends. You might reach out to get confirmation from friends who share your sentiments, and stay away from ones that might steer you in the other direction.
After that, you might go through a testing step. Here, you might find yourself fantasizing about single life, going out more with single friends, or being flirty with someone you meet out.
Then comes declaration. You’ll officially decide you want to break up, and you’ll begin initiating those conversations. This might be one conversation, or it might be several, depending on the relationship (if you live or have kids together, there will be more to logistics to cover). Last is the official break up—when you fully cut things off.
Breaking up with the “perfect” person might follow a similar trajectory to any other breakup—but moving from one step to the next might not feel as straightforward, or happen as quickly.
“With a break-up where you still really love the person, but you are clear that you have different life goals, these stages may become elongated,” Walsh says. You might have friends encourage you to work things out, or you might have more back-and-forth at the end as it can be more difficult to make that final break.
You might feel more inclined to stay friends with your partner, too, especially if things ended on good terms. But, unfortunately, that never works out well. “With that may come extreme feelings of jealousy when one partner begins to date other people. Also, there may be greater temptation to reach out to your ex every time you have a bad date with someone else,” Walsh says.
How can you feel solidified in a decision to cut things off with someone if their future plans don’t align with yours?
AHH, YES, THE golden question. Should I have given up my want for kids for the perfect partner? Should I have given up my career to move far away to be with them? How can I ever be sure?
You probably can’t. “It’s one of the reasons that people work their way through the stages of a break up: to get clarity and confirmation,” Walsh says. She suggests working with a licensed therapist to work through those feelings, and go through the pros and cons of the potential decision. That’s especially true if it means giving up your reproductive goals, Walsh says. Many people feel that instinct, and it can be hard to walk away from.
Sitting on the fence might be even harder than making a decision, though. Contemplating for too long can prolong pain. At some point, it’s best to go with your gut and make the leap, Walsh says. “Do it and see how it goes.”
What can you do to get over the person quicker?
EXACTLY WHAT YOU don’t want to hear: don’t try to be friends. “It will leave you in a state of limbo,” says Walsh.
The best strategy is to go no-contact. Unfollow or mute them on socials. Block numbers. Anything you need to do to not have stimulus that triggers reminders of them, do it. “Being constantly triggered by reminders of your person makes it much harder to move forward,” Walsh says.
She also advises making an effort to find new friends if your social circles align. Find friends that don’t have any relation to your ex-partner. It’s important for you to have a fresh start in a new social world.
Finally, get out there and connect. It’s going to feel weird to attempt to date after a situation like this, but it’s important to get out there. Stop waiting until you think you’re ‘ready’.
“You will learn what you like and what you don’t like. But you can’t learn that sitting around meditating on some supposed state of readiness,” Walsh says.
All easier said then done, that’s for sure.
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