[light orchestral music]
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I am walking in a lodgepole pine forest,
the trunks are very vertical
and bare until the top where it’s,
the pine is growing.
The forest floor is pine needles,
brown, dry,
a few bushes and up the hill
and then onto the level where the school is.
[Jamie] This is a story about secrets,
things that never came up.
My dad was a ballet dancer
and for nearly 45 years
almost no one in the world knew that he was.
[light orchestral music]
One summer on my way to a residency
at the Banff Centre for the Arts, in the Rocky Mountains,
my dad told me he’d been there too as an artist, in 1973.
What?
Yeah, he took a deep breath
and said he had been a ballet dancer.
He told me that was the last place he had danced.
What?
I went straight to the archive
and I poured through photos looking for him.
It was the year 1973 and he would’ve been 23.
And then he told me about the man.
Why didn’t he tell me this years ago when I came out?
Is that why he acted like that?
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[Person] Hi Jamie, so great news.
I got a ton of photos from the Archive of Dance.
I just sent you an email with some of the photos,
I think I found a picture of you!
It’s so cool. No, you’re kidding,
you’re kidding.
Yeah, so- Okay, I’ll have a look.
Yeah. Yeah, I’ll do it right away.
[phone beeping]
[David] Hi Jamie, hi, it’s dad.
I looked at those photos,
unfortunately I can’t see myself in them.
I remember watching a dancer named Evelyn Hart
and it was stunning.
Can you look her up on YouTube, if you can,
you’ll be absolutely amazed.
I do recognize several of the other dancers.
We were dancing all through the summer together
so faces are familiar, but I’m not in those photos.
[light orchestral music]
Hi, please leave a message and I’ll call you back.
[phone beeping]
[Jamie] Hey dad, it’s Jamie calling,
call me back when you got a moment.
Was he telling me the truth?
[light orchestral music]
[David] It’s up to Christie Pits Park,
there’s the laundry building,
the gay boys, the lady that’s lived here for 65 years,
and there’s the bedroom where Jamie was born.
Gracious, oh- [toy splashing in tub]
Oh!
[Jamie] I loved my dad very much when I was young.
[David] Yeah.
[Jamie] He told us a lot of his
childhood stories. More, more.
More, more. He told us about the farm,
he told us about living in Mexico when he was young
and there were stories about the girlfriends,
hitchhiking, about California in the ’70s,
even the commune he split from
after they tried to hide a body,
but he never spoke about the ballet
and he had never spoken about the man.
[David] I am just holding on a little bit.
Hang on, hang on.
Three months old.
Good lad.
Oh, and a beautiful lady from Medieval Times.
And tell me about your clothes.
[Jamie] Oh, that’s my crinoline.
[David] Oh, I’ve got it on the film, yes.
[Jamie] And this is my
apron that goes over it.
[David] Take lovely gliding steps,
that’s how the ladies did in those days,
very graceful.
[Jamie] Looking back,
I’m not sure anybody really ever thought I was straight.
I loved my silk bathrobes,
I loved putting napkins
and towels on my head like long hair,
I loved my dolls and I was a happy kid.
[David] I’m gonna catch you.
[both laughing]
[Jamie] Until I wasn’t.
I’m gonna catch you.
Hey Jamie, what you wearing that lovely robe for?
What’s the matter,
camera got your tongue? [Jamie making noises]
Camera got your tongue. [Jamie making noises]
[David laughing] [Jamie making noises]
So why are you wearing that lovely robe?
[Jamie making sounds]
Don’t get, falling on that thing.
[Jamie] At 16 he told me
I was too young to know about my sexuality
that the kids at school must have convinced me
it was cool to say I was gay.
We basically drifted apart.
God is dead, God is dead, God is dead.
And God is dead, God is dead, God is dead,
God is dead.
[birds chirping]
[wind rustling grass]
[birds chirping]
[no audio]
[birds chirping]
Material for creations [indistinct].
And others, this thing right here,
ooh, a nice whole moth with a dragonfly
and a little wee dragonfly.
Shells for June bugs,
cicada.
And it’s circular
and they would have to go out with a boat boy
who might have been a son, or a young boy,
whose job it was to run to the other side of the pond
and grab the boat
before it smacked into
the concrete wall of the pond at the end.
There we go, perfect.
[TV] Nature of the recording that [indistinct].
They had just created this like atmosphere…
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[Jamie] It surprised me,
and I had a surprise of my own for him.
[audience clapping]
Evelyn Hart, is one of the most
accomplished ballet dancers in the world.
We became fast friends.
She told me about that piece,
the duet my dad remembered her dancing,
the steps that launched her career into the stratosphere
of World Ballet.
She said it will always live in her just beneath the skin.
She closed her eyes and began to move her hands
as if they were the two dancers bodies.
Would you show me,
and she did.
[orchestral music]
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[Evelyn] One has to recognize
that not everyone can be an artist.
Everyone can be artistic in their approach to life,
but not everyone can make their living by being an artist.
That’s all I set out to do, when I started dancing at 17,
was I wanted to be an expressive artist,
to be able to allow people to feel
what I feel when I hear music.
When I saw the trees move, and I see the water,
and I see the patterns and the beauty of the earth,
and the sense of how spirit moves through us
to be alive, that’s enough.
You’re called, and that’s the hard part
is when that calling seems to be finished.
When you don’t feel that call,
you kinda feel a little lost.
You know there’s a lot of difficult aspects
about being a dancer, and a lot of painful aspects,
a lot of criticism.
You’re putting yourself out there,
people, you have to deal with a lot of competition.
It’s not about making your living that way
it’s about having the opportunity
to be able to share that depth inside of yourself
with other people.
[light orchestral music]
What’s most important, I think, is that those people
come to recognize, to have the courage to be themselves,
regardless, whatever that is.
So though your dad didn’t go into dance
I can tell, even from the few minutes of talking to him,
that he lived a very artistic life internally.
And so though he was an accountant
he was a very decent man.
That is, in the end, all that we can be
is to be the best human that we can possibly be.
[no audio]
[sack rustling]
Well, I think I know what this is [chuckling].
Okay, oh, it’s a full unitard,
wow, [laughing] Jamie,
wow, wow, wow!
Okay, okay.
This is bringing back huge memories
just to touch and to be able to anticipate wearing it,
and oh god [laughing].
[light orchestral music]
My instrument for dance was, I thought a good one,
I was strong, alive, tall, and graceful,
so all of those elements
could’ve added up to maybe a little bit more dance,
maybe a lot more dance.
[light orchestral music]
The end of summer, the review of my dancing,
by my primary teacher, was quite negative.
She felt that my body didn’t have promise
and that, as you can imagine, was discouraging
and it really took the wind out of my sails.
What she impressed on me was good work ethic,
positive attitude, but the wrong type of body.
That comment really went to my heart,
it really did stop my progress,
dead, dead in the water, towards becoming a dancer.
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[background noises]
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[birds fluttering by]
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Hi Jamie. How’s it going?
[David] Not bad, not bad,
as soon as he got the letter, he emailed back.
I would think about him from time-to-time,
I just kinda felt like it was,
we were never gonna cross paths again.
Both of us lost contact
with almost all of our circle of friends,
developing in different directions
and doing different things,
and there wasn’t enough pull
to keep the circle of friends together.
So last night we talked for about an hour and a half
and we finished,
it was what, 11:30 our time,
and I just sat for probably about 15 minutes
just awash with memories
and the feeling
of how good it was to reconnect with him.
Oh, it’s really something
and we both sort of realized,
as we were talking,
that we meant more to each other than we realized
because we were sort of kindred souls.
Well, again, thanks for setting this up.
I thought we’d kinda have just a chat,
but it was really quite emotional.
[no audio]
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Did you ever think I should tell him about
once having been an artist?
I guess I didn’t see myself as an artist,
and maybe I was too self-critical,
it wasn’t going to be relevant
until suddenly there you were going to Banff
and of course I had a story about Banff to tell.
I had hope, and the hopes were dashed,
and it was a failure for me
and so I just put it aside.
I did wish I had told you earlier
when I saw your reaction,
and when I saw the power of it again,
seeing it that night in video again,
just brought it roaring back,
all its power, all its beauty.
and I could see you were affected by it.
And if I could have transferred that moment,
to 10 years prior, I would’ve done it in an instant.
[Jamie] Did you wish that you would’ve told me
about having sex with a man when I came out?
[David] No, it didn’t occur to me one way or the other,
you were finding your way.
I felt if I didn’t
talk to you about how I felt about sex,
and heterosexual sex was great,
that you wouldn’t have had anything from me about sex.
And I was so worried that if you were
experimenting that you might contract AIDS
and you would die.
It had finally come up.
[Jamie] We haven’t always really been that close,
in adulthood. No, no.
[Jamie] And I think that
now that we’re able to really talk about
all the things- Yeah.
[Jamie] There’s both dance and you also are able
to talk more frankly and openly about sexuality.
Yeah.
[David] Dad.
[Jamie] If you had told your dad,
how would he have reacted?
[David] Well, I think his first reaction might have been,
Did you get a test?
He was a doctor, of course [laughing]
[Jamie] So similar reaction to yours,
his first thought was disease.
Yeah, well, and care for the son,
he wouldn’t have wanted me to to die.
What it is, I think too,
is an unwillingness to become emotionally involved.
A difficulty, a frozenness,
but I didn’t tell him my story.
[no audio]
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I see you as a queer person.
I see you as a dancer.
Ah. I see you as an artist.
Ah, I want to continue dancing until I die.
[both laughing]
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[Jamie] I love you.
I love you.
[Jamie] It’s gonna be good now too.
[David] Ah!
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[trees rustling]
[Jamie] As the year wore on
we were gifted things by the gentle hand of chance.
David’s grandfather, the patriarch, we found his writing
and he did not have good things to say about men who dance.
Peace is not at all as assured
as some people believe it is,
wipe out military training
and what will be the effect on our boys.
We will produce a class of sissy boys.
We will produce a class of fanatics and dancers
and we will not produce the good old athletic boys
who have made the British Empire what it is.
[both laughing]
Oh my god. Oh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.
For me it was not something
that I ever discussed with him,
my experimenting,
and it wouldn’t have been brought up between us.
I was pursuing my own path.
[light piano music]
Oh, A class of sissy boys,
a class of fanatics and dancers [chuckling].
[light piano music]
[light piano music continues]
[Jamie] Dad, the sissy,
just like us.
♪ I dreamt I was ♪
♪ A man of words ♪
♪ One day I lost all my manners ♪
♪ I thought my friends would understand ♪
♪ Turns out friendship is a delicate art ♪
♪ Even in dreams, even in dreams, even in dreams ♪
♪ So I dreamt I was ♪
♪ An actor in a play ♪
♪ I forgot all my lines one day ♪
♪ I thought I could still steal the stage ♪
♪ Turns out stories are a delicate art ♪
♪ Even in dreams, even in dreams, even in dreams ♪
♪ So I dreamt I was ♪
♪ A cowboy on the range ♪
♪ Without a rope, no lasso to my name ♪
♪ I thought my herd would still follow ♪
♪ Turns out control is a delicate art ♪
♪ Even in dreams, even in dreams, even in dreams ♪
♪ So I dreamt I was a man of war ♪
♪ Who wanted blood no more ♪
♪ So like a song ♪
♪ I laid my all by the river ♪
♪ And then I slept all day ♪
♪ Dreaming I slept away ♪
♪ All that I regretted ♪
♪ Well it turned out ♪
♪ Forgiving yourself is a delicate art ♪
♪ Even in dreams, even in dreams, even in dreams ♪
♪ So I dreamt I was ♪
♪ Not in love ♪
♪ With anything in this whole world ♪
♪ I thought I’d feel, I’d feel so free ♪
♪ Turns out freedom is a delicate art ♪
♪ Even in dreams, even in dreams, even in dreams ♪
♪ So I dreamt I was right next to you ♪
♪ Your hands in mine ♪
♪ Your eyes alive. ♪
♪ I thought I could never wake up ♪
♪ Turns out dreaming ♪
♪ Is a delicate art ♪
♪ But I love you so and I miss you so ♪
♪ Even in dreams ♪
♪ Oh even in dreams ♪
[no audio]
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