My Maid of Honor Didn’t Pick Me Back and It Still Hurts

Dear Newsweek, my best friend and I were friends since sixth grade. We grew up playing sports and doing practically everything together. Of course, we talked about our future and how we would be in each other’s wedding parties.

She had some hard emotional times after we graduated high school, and I was there for her. We lived in different provinces, but I didn’t think it had altered our relationship. She was my maid of honor when I got married, and it caused a rift in my family because I didn’t pick my sister. But I wasn’t as close to my sister.

Flash-forward six years and my best friend is getting married, and I have three kids. We talked on the phone about her wedding, and she asked me to give a speech, but nothing about being in the wedding party. I even mentioned a few times about the wedding party, but she would change the subject.

As her wedding drew closer, I began to realize that I was not included. I was deeply hurt, and I thought maybe it’s because I have kids that I was being excluded.

My three-year-old daughter ended up having surgery the week before the wedding, and we still traveled over 18 hours to attend. We went to the church service, and I cried because I was so hurt. I felt more like I was at a funeral. We went and I gave my speech. I also noticed that one bridesmaid was pregnant and had a child, so that wasn’t the issue.

Afterwards, my husband and I left to put our children to bed and did not return to the wedding. I have not spoken to my friend since 1998. I sent her a letter explaining how I felt and how hurt I had been by not being included in her wedding party.

I believe we both had different views about what the friendship meant to us. I must have cherished it more than she did. My friend has tried to reconnect several times, but I never respond. Time has passed and I am a totally different person now. When I think of her or our friendship, I grieve as it feels like a person has died.

Is it my fault for moving on and leaving our friendship in the past?

Rosie

Grief is a healthy response to losing anything

Layne Baker is a licensed psychotherapist in California at Layne Baker Psychotherapy, specializing in therapy for anxiety, relationship health and personal growth.

The challenges that a friendship can undergo as you move through different life stages is a common, and often painful, experience. Sometimes, it takes a milestone like getting married, moving away or having children to really shine a light on any distance that has grown as you have grown up.

You were deeply hurt by not being included in the bridal party because it didn’t reflect your expectations and the friendship that you thought you had. It sounds like your friend was not able to help create any understanding for you, and avoided the subject when you asked, most likely because of her own discomfort with facing her decision to not include you. You sent a letter explaining your hurt feelings, which was brave and vulnerable. I hope you look back on that decision as such, that despite not getting the outcome you would have hoped for, you put yourself out there and let her know the impact this experience had on you.

If your friend has tried to reconnect several times and you have chosen to not respond, that’s OK. Some friendships end with a clear breakup indicator that includes the likes of a conversation, and others simply fade with time. When you look back on the friendship, you can probably point to a lot of evidence that supports the idea that you both cherished it for many years. That is why you grieve, because this was a loss of something that mattered to you. An ambiguous one, as your friend has made attempts to reconnect and is still alive, but a loss, nonetheless. Ambiguous loss can evoke the same grief experience as when someone has actually died. Please know that grief is a healthy response to losing anything that was important to you.

Moving on and leaving your friendship in the past is not your fault—it is how you have chosen to cope with what you have experienced. Give yourself some grace and trust your instincts to let the friendship go. Pour your energy into your current friendships that feel aligned with where you’re at, the different person that you are now.

Consider what you hope to achieve

Matt Scult, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist, and the VP of Clinical Science at Scenario, an app for navigating relationship challenges.

It seems like you and your friend used to be very close and that you were understandably hurt and confused about why you were not part of her wedding party. After so many years of not speaking, it’s natural to feel a sense of loss for the friendship. The question is whether or not you want this to be the end.

When we feel emotionally hurt by those close to us, the natural inclination can be to distance ourselves to minimize further pain. However, cutting off communication often doesn’t lead to healing. Consider what you hope to achieve by continuing to not respond to her attempts to reconnect. Since you are writing into this column, it seems that your friend is still very much on your mind.

There are times when it’s necessary to cut friends out of our lives, such as when there are safety concerns or an abusive relationship, but that doesn’t appear to apply here. It may be difficult to risk further reopening old wounds, but responding to her could lead to some short-term discomfort for longer-term gain. The friendship will not be exactly as it was, and it will require difficult conversations and a willingness to hear each other’s perspectives. However, the potential for rekindling the relationship could be significant given how meaningful it was earlier in your life.

Ultimately the choice is yours, but it seems like your current strategy of trying to ignore the relationship hasn’t led to an outcome you’re satisfied with after 25 years. Why not try a new approach? You might look back on the next 25 years with a renewed appreciation for the resilience of old friendships.

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