Anal sex tips aren’t just about the right positioning or lubrication. If you’re considering having anal sex for the first time, you’re probably wondering how to do anal—how do you prepare, relax, and enjoy the intimate moment with your partner? And is anal sex safe?
These questions are becoming more common. According to research from the Kinsey Institute, more young women than ever—45%—are exploring anal play. So to answer your first-time anal sex questions, we called in the experts. And while they all shared different tips for first timers, their advice had one common thread: The key to enjoying anal sex is preparation—and consent.
“Sometimes you’re not in the mood for anal, and sometimes your butthole isn’t in the mood even if you are,” explains Luna Matatas, sex educator and the host of the anal sex podcast The Plug. “In addition to hygiene, prep, and communication, anal sex, like other kinds of sex, is hotter with more arousal in the whole body and erotic mind.”
That’s why it’s important to come prepared, and educating yourself is one of the best ways to do so. Anal sex can be overwhelming for those new to it, but luckily, there are many ways to familiarize yourself before trying it out IRL.
“Look up educational resources, research different toys, and consider the questions you may have for yourself and your partner,” suggests Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, certified sex therapist and the founder of Modern Intimacy. “Take your time to communicate your needs, fears, and hopes, and make a plan that is intentional.”
For a mantra to guide you through your first anal sex experience, Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, PhD, suggests the following: “Relaxation, lubrication, communication.” The advice, below, is all essentially variations of that trio. Read on for more in-depth advice on how to prepare for anal sex and make your first time safe, comfortable, and pleasurable.
Note: Most of these tips are described from the perspective of someone with a vulva. They can be accomplished with a partner who has a penis, is wearing a strap-on, or is using a sex toy.
1. Relax your mind…and body.
The last thing you want to be before attempting anal penetration (or anal stimulation) is tense. “If you’re hesitant, nervous, or not into it, no one is going to get off, and what’s the point of that?” says Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.
If this is your first time trying anal sex, spend some time relaxing—take a hot bath, ask your partner to give you a sensual massage, heck, you can even meditate. To prepare for anal sex, you can also focus on specifically relaxing the muscles of your anal sphincter. To see what that feels like, tighten your butt muscles and then release.
2. Explore on your own.
Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Biird and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, recommends playing with yourself first to learn what you like and don’t like before including a partner in the mix. “The easiest way to begin would be with your finger,” she says. “First, warm yourself up with clitoral stimulation. Then put a water-based lube on your finger and start gently inserting it while combining it with the clitoral stimulation. That will make it more enjoyable.”
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